Sean Penn is having a major breakdown on stage or something. And it’s really lame. Is he drunk, or just deep? Nah, drunk.

He’s introducing best actress. Will the abortion movie or the euthanasia movie win? Oh, it could be the drug smuggler movie. It’s Swank! And her dress has no back! And nearly no butt! And she’s giving a minor-breakdown actress speech. Not as fun as a Berry meltdown, but it’s not too bad. No, boring thankathon devolution. Zzzzz. She just thanked her trainers and sparring partners. Now, she’s trying to remember who else to thank. Ahh! Mom, her agents! Thank-off perfecta! She thanked her lawyers! Perfect super-boring thankyou speech! She shouted her thanks to her publicist over the orchestra. Gah!