GLOBADOM

Jeremy Irons, introduced as a “comic genius” by Rock, is introducing best short film nominees. Again they’re in the audience. Poor winners. Winner described her award as “the dog’s bollocks.” That’s good, I think.

Laura Linney: not looking so good. Introducing best animated short. No clips, darnit! “Ryan” wins! Woo! And the creator was a Canadian. And his speech is a boring thank-o-rama. Marj: “that’s why those winners aren’t allowed onstage.”

Why is there a monkey on the piano? TLO says Beyonce’s makeup (changed twice already tonight) isn’t good in this iteration. I think the conductor just gave the bird to the audience.

The star of “Phantom of the Opera” is the tallest, skinniest woman I have ever seen. No joke.

Hey, Mr. Lloyd-Webber is playing piano. Beyonce is again singing very credibly, but is wearing a chandelier around her neck.

I still like the French song best so far.

Ooh. A fake Phantom. Mike thinks the necklace is retarded. Nobody here likes it.

The president of AMPAS: “Tabernacle of Talent”? Ugh. On the other hand, he’s making everyone in the audience suck it up and applaud the U.S. Armed Forces. It’s good for actors to do this.

Al Pacino needs to shave. He’s introducing a lifetime achievement award for Sidney Lumet…Johnny Depp is wearing a strange tuxedo to go with his weird facial hair.

Huh. Lumet was one of the Little Rascals. When a guy also directed “The Wiz” and “Deathtrap,” you have to make some of the montage sequences really short.

Oh no. Is Vin Diesel making a serious movie?

I think the theory is that what Lumet lacked in quality he made up in volume.

At least his speech, like most lifetime achievement awards, is above average. No wait, it’s not. He’s just thanking everybody who ever made a movie ever. Well, I guess he makes it work. Wait, he just thanked “the movies.”

Fun facts from his bio: he was the one-time son-in-law of Lena Horne, whose daughter was fairly obviously the mother of his two pretty daughters. And this: “Was voted the 42nd Greatest Director of all time by Entertainment Weekly.”

Mike proposes “House of Flying Daggers” should win “best weaponry.” I’m there. Spiderman 2 wins for Visual Effects.

Sideways wins for best adapted screenplay…and there’s Sandra Ohs! Oh! One of the writers was married to Ohs. I apologize for that “Oh.”

Sandler and Rock playing an “absent” Catherine Zeta-Jones by reading her teleprompter lines. It fell flat.

Ooh. I’m eating too much mango loaf. Have to pace myself for the rest of the show.

The Shrek song is boring. We’re still rooting for the French song so far.

Aviator is cleaning up the minor awards. It’s … wait, the IMDB bio of Scorsese was written by Walter Melnyk, who I know and work with! Nice work, Melnyk!

Johnny Carson montage, since he hosted the award show five-odd times. They show a joke with Carson comparing the Oscar telecast to the Iran hostage crisis. It’s pretty good!

Mm. Macadamia-white chocolate cookies.

Is Sandra Ohs one of the documentary nominees? Must be a lookalike. Naw, it’s just some other Asian woman. TLO informs me there is more than one. “A little gold man. Just what we always wanted.” That gets a small laugh. Nice on-screen chemistry for the kiss. Um, the winners were “Born into Brothels.”

Mike thinks Kirsten Dunst has Drew Barrymore’s hair.