GLOBADOM

Wired Cola Reports Second Quarter Results

Earnings per Share Infinituples

BURNABY, B.C. — May 13, 2004 — Wired Cola®, Inc. (VSE: WIRED) today announced financial results for its fiscal 2004 second quarter ended March 15, 2004. For the quarter, the Company posted a net profit of $1.00. These results compare to a net profit of $0.00 in the year-ago quarter. Revenue for the quarter was $12.99, up ∞ percent from the year-ago quarter, and up ∞ percent sequentially.

Wired Cola shipped exactly one large CyberMug™ during the quarter, representing an ∞ percent increase in merchandising units, a NaN percent change in software and beverage units, and a NaN percent change in consulting revenue over the year-ago quarter.

“Wired Cola had a great quarter with ∞ percent revenue growth and ∞ percent earnings growth year-over-year,” said Erick Wong, Wired Cola’s Senior Vice President of Merchandising. “We experienced tremendous growth in this quarter, particularly in the direct sales sector with the success of the Wired Cola iMerchandise Store®. We think it’ll be a Trojan horse for people,” Wong said, suggesting that Coca Cola users who use the Wired Cola iMerchandise Store may be drawn towards Wired Cola beverages, and later to Wired Cola software and consulting services. “Wired Cola believes one-to-one deployments — referring to the recent sale of one large CyberMug to one person in the state of Wisconsin — are the future of merchandising sales,” Wong predicted, noting that Wired Cola is pursuing further one-to-one initiatives with other states and provinces.

“We are very pleased with our first quarter of record infinite growth,” said Erick Wong, Wired Cola’s Interim Chief Financial Officer. “Our operating margin has neither increased nor decreased from NaN to 7.7 percent. Looking ahead, if we can sustain these margins and even a small percentage of our revenue growth rate, we expect our fiscal third quarter to come in at $∞ of profit on $∞ revenue. This would enable us to make a number of broad strategic and synergistic acquisitions that would greatly enhance shareholder value. Without giving away too much information, let’s just say we are in preliminary negotiations with a certain blue-green planet in our Solar System.”

This press release contains forward-looking statements about the Company’s estimated revenue and earnings for the third quarter of fiscal 2004. These statements involve risks, uncertainties, and senseless wild extrapolations, and actual results may differ.

Wired Cola, Inc. ignited the soft drink industry in the early ’90s with the world’s first CyberMorphic® beverage, and reinvented the computer game with Møgelfoci™ and Møgelfoci II™. Wired Cola also leads the IT industry with the world’s only comprehensive Y10K™ consulting package. Wired Cola is now recommitted to its original mission — total world domination.

© 2004 Wired Cola, Inc. All rights reserved. Wired Cola, the Wired Cola logo, the Wired Cola iMerchandise Store, and CyberMorphic are registered trademarks of Wired Cola, Inc. Y10K, CyberMug, Møgelfoci and Møgelfoci II are trademarks of Wired Cola, Inc. Additional company and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks of the individual companies and are disrespectfully ignored.

Day of the Zinger

I made my co-workers laugh, full-on and uncontrollably, for about 5 minutes today after pulling an unintentional pratfall as I tried to sit down.

But The Lovely One got the best lines of today:

“Good movies don’t need to be re-made, because they were already made!”

“The British have Shakespeare, the Americans have Roddenberry.”

That latter one in the context of Patrick Stewart’s career, of course. (And Canadians have Shatner….)

Oh, and did I mention that for some special event or other, the nursing department dressed up a skeleton in a traditional nurses outfit, including cap and blue-and-red cape? It looked like the NURSE OF THE DAMNED!

Beautiful sun today, and I wrote to poor Jim in Winnipeg to tease him about the snow. His reply contained harsh language and self-diagnosed weather-induced grumpiness. It was pure schadenfreude to read.

Volunteerism

So I went and did my first stint of corner-work for the Tuesday Nighters. I wasn’t bitter (well maybe a little), but I haven’t ridden in the first two WTNC races now, and I haven’t ridden a race since the minor fiasco that was my Harris-Roubaix experience about a month ago.

I want to get back in a race, now!!!

But when it rains, it pours. There are three reachable weekly racing series in the region now. I should have fewer excuses for not doing my weekly races.

But I want to race now!

One fun element of the corner-work: I didn’t have any water with me, and I was standing within hearing distance of a fountain. By the end of the evening I was both dehydrated and I had to pee. Nice.

The Cat 5 race (always my favourite, of course) was crazy: the pack cracked into pieces very quickly, and I think only about 6 riders finished in the lead bunch. It was pretty good racing. In the Cat 1, a small group got off the front and stayed off the front, building up a 40-50 second lead by the end.

The only major cornerwork mistake was when I had a miscommunication with a bus driver, which ended with him driving off his route and onto the course. Oh crap.

Weekend Update

Did anything happen on Saturday? I can’t remember. Must have been a quiet day. No, wait, it was quite the opposite. First, I sold the motorcycle. I nearly got my asking price, which qualifies as both a minor miracle and a good deal for the buyer. The classic transaction where everyone was happy: I got rid of a valuable asset I wasn’t using at all, he got a good deal on a good project.

It’s a bit melancholy to finally have parted with my Yamaha FZR 400. That thing was always a sweet, sweet bike, with handling aplenty and power enough. I rode that bike to California and back, I rode that bike as daily transport for years, I rode that bike like crazy. And then in Fall 2000, I busted a chain, was short of cash, was newly married, and I didn’t really have the wherewithal to put it back on the road. So it sat in a shed for months, then years.

The guy who bought it showed up, looked it over, gave me the agreed price in cash (he was pretty confident of closing the deal at his price, I’d say), and he carted the bike away. It was the easiest vehicle transaction I’ve ever had. I’m glad someone has bought it who will clearly fix up and enjoy the machine. It deserves no less.

Then it was yardwork aplenty. I got to play with a 2-stroke gas trimmer, which was hilariously powerful (it was an industrial model, complete with body harness) and despite some serious fussiness with the “auto-feeding” line system, it just knocked over anything it touched. It made yard work into entertainment.

Sunday was more memorable, by virtue of being today. After morning Mass, Proximate Drea and I rode up SFU and back down. I outrode Drea on the ascent, easy to do since my bike is light and my cardio is honed and I had clipless pedals.

Then we went to go down Nicole’s, and Drea just rode away. Easy to do since the Proximate one’s bike is full-suspension and my technique is poor and I had clipless pedals. It was quite a lesson, since Drea has ridden that trail twice, and I have ridden it a few more times than that. Drea expressed it as a liking for steep drops, and demonstrated that such obstacles pose no problem.

I’m not so good at steep descents. I think I’ll blame my brakes. Yes. The brakes.

Then Drea got a horrible surprise when we realized the wonderful full-suspension bike had a loose rear wheel. Which is a good thing to discover when we did (on the ride home, on pavement, due to a funny clunk in the driveline) but a bad thing to have period.

After that lovely ride, a little cleaning, a little greeting of Mom (who sensibly retreated up to Cultus Lake for the day), and a bit of pottering. Over dinner, The Lovely One and I re-watched Lost In Translation. There’s a knock on that movie that it didn’t translate (er…) well from theatre to video.

TLO and I loved it once again, I recalling why such a slow-paced, melancholy film sucked me in (hint: it’s because so much of that movie is uncontrived and feels real; the only really false scene seemed to be the brief physical-comedy interlude featuring Bob Harris (Bill Murray) and the exercise machine, and even that was pretty plausible) and how good Murray’s performance was. It was superbly low-key, not a chewed scene in the entire movie.

But why the video disappointment for some viewers? If I may be vague, there’s a very simple airiness about the way this movie was shot and paced. On the big screen, this stuff works okay, and there’s no distractions. On video, the viewing environment is usually more distractng, and this film is slow-paced enough that it doesn’t fight off distractions particularly well.

When wondering whether Bill Murray or Sean Penn should have won Best Actor this year, I point out one thing I feel pretty confident about: in five years, Lost In Translation will have a strong cult following and be well-regarded and will age pretty well. Mystic River will be just another feel-bad movie with all the rewatchability of Gandhi and all the cult following of Kramer Vs. Kramer.

Then ouzo, now bed.

There’s a crack in my tooth

Yep. That’s what the dentist told me. This was amusingly demonstrated by using the air-puffer tool and gingerly directing a shot of air at the afflicted tooth, leading to this hilarious sound effect sequence:

[puff!] “Uaah!”

So, I’m back to the dentist later this month to have a large chunk of my molar removed and replaced with a non-delicious, non-creamy filling. On the upside, my dentist’s office is in the same block as the only Krispy Kreme in the lower mainland. Talk about synergy!

So yes, I indulged in a 12-pack of sweet, delicious, lightweight Krispy Kremes. They’re good doughnuts. They’re very good doughnuts. They make me contemplate my longstanding loyalty to Tim Horton’s and the immortal Timbit.

Okay, I’ve decided. I’ll just eat both.

Oh hey, I’ve had something mouldering in iPhoto forever. Let’s see if I can post it…soon…

You see, this is what happens when . . . well, I don’t know what caused that thread to happen. Usenet can be a very strange place, and I look forward to some day, 30 years from now, when my children do some deep Googling to find dirt on me and turn up that gem.

You have to love a dream-interpretation discussion in which I am described as both “influential” and “traumatic.” It does my ego a world of good.

In other, less insane news, The Lovely One and I treated Proximate Drea (who was, until this week, over 600 km away, but now lives about 600m from our house) to a small birthday party involving cake first, followed by dinner at Yogi’s, entertainment provided by a sitarist and drummer. Great as always, and that’s high praise for a vegetarian restaurant from acutely carnivorous me.

And tomorrow I experience the joys of a somewhat urgent dental investigation, since a minor annoyance with a recent filling has transformed into a major pain in the jaw.

So, my schedule’s packed!

Mike was successfully married. My motorcycle was not successfully sold. The Dodge Viper is a powerfully fast vehicle.

Oh, the before picture of Mike is pretty funny, too: but as you see above, he looks pretty good in rented clothes.

The wedding went as smoothly as any I have ever been involved with. The transportation showed up on time, the chaplain was appropriately light and grave in equal parts, the venue was beautiful, and the catering surpassed expectations. No alcohol-inspired guest breakdowns, and the photo session and speeches were completed with pace, neither too hasty nor the usual dreadful slog. And the funny song was extremely funny!

A word of warning to the unaware: The wedding party photo is linked to a larger version of itself, but that is very large; probably 800k or so. Mom, Dad, your dial-up link won’t be able to take it!

Joe’s new Audi A4 1.8T, which is not pictured here, is a model of mid-sized Teutonic gravitas, and is beautiful charcoal inside and out. I think Joe chose the car as an extension of his own persona, in which he now, possibly for the first time in his life, wants to be seen as a serious person doing serious things.

For most people, a car is a ludicrous thing in which to “invest” money. I live this philosophy by driving a functional but unprepossessing 10-year-old Tercel. But Joe’s business involves selling himself to others (in the good way, not the bad way), and being able to project a certain gravitas will help. Plus, he can write the car off against his taxes, so yay leasing!

It already seems to be paying dividends. The cute bridesmaid strolled out during the party, looked over Joe’s car, and asked, “is this your penis extension?”

But just before asking for a ride in the car, she added “it’s a nice penis.” Referring of course, to Joe’s. Car. Joe’s car.

Too much new stuff

This weekend I took nearly 100 photos, saw my brother get married, got to drive my brother-in-law’s new A4 Quattro (with the 1.8 turbo motor), and got a ride in a new Dodge Viper.

More soon, I really mean it.

Random nonsense

Two days to Mike’s wedding. No other projects up. Not doing enough riding, but I am stomping around the bike shed a lot.

Picked up the tuxedo yesterday, and dropped off the wedding present, so Mike and Marjie can’t back out now. They won’t give me a refund on the tux.

I too got married in a tuxedo, but had to wonder about it. If you’ve ever seen a rented tuxedo up close, you’ll get the impression that it’s a pretty shabby garment. Durable enough, but the pants have an adjustable waist, the jacket and pants are much less nice than those of my one suit. Tuxedos look nice in photos (don’t get me started on wedding photos), but if I ruled the world, men would take a wedding as an opportunity to either buy the one decent suit you need as a minimum to meet middle-class obligations, or they’d wear the best suit they already have. I don’t think wearing somebody else’s pants adds class to the affair.

And another good rule of thumb: I fall slightly below the necessary level, but if you attend even one formal (tuxedo-appropriate) event a year, it is worth buying a tuxedo. That way you have a properly fitted garment that will last nearly forever and won’t go substantially out of style for a couple of decades (as long as you stay with a conservative style and commit to a possible change of shirt or neckwear every five years).

Finally: behold the power of the suit. The magic of suits (even one-size fits someone else rented tuxedos) is that they make virtually every male body look good, or at least better. A well-tailored suit is garment that will make you feel sharp. It has lots of little opportunities to turn yourself out properly. Making sure a small amount of your shirt shows at the cuffs, wearing a pocket square (I prefer mine folded square with the top edge peeking out of the pocket, just like you see in 60s-establishment movies or early Bond flicks), it all adds up.

Don’t tell me you don’t like how a suit feels, or that you don’t like dressing up. Just do it! You’ll like it! Keep your inane collection of t-shirts for working in the yard or casual affairs. But wear the suit a bit. I don’t break out mine often enough.

Actually, I’ve lost around 40 pounds since I had my suit fitted, so it probably won’t fit me at all. Beware the beam in your own eye….

Bicycles: the other rusting, inedible meat

So, what kind of dishes will I be making with the fresh bikes? I have a chart on my wall. The Lovely One will get indexed shifting this year. The Auto-Mini will get put on hold (it looks like this), until a 7-speed gearhub is acquired and probably just ridden for fun for a while.

The drivetrain of the Skykomish will be transferred onto the BMX, in a project I call “the prototype”. It will be a sort-of proof-of-concept for the Auto-Mini, but I have high hopes it will be a worthy ride in its own right. Faster than a mountain bike on the road, tougher than a road bike at the skate park. It should be pretty messed up!

Brother Mike is getting married on Saturday. So much of today was spent at my parents’ house, preparing for the reception, which at this point mainly means cleaning and toting. We toted a fridge, a hide-a-bed, two display cases, the entire contents of a closet, and I re-toted the upstairs bedroom being used as storage. I’m all toted out for today.

Advance Wars 2 is the bomb. And the Neotank. Favourite CO: Griit, with a side of Sensei.

PS: The Lovely One says I am a book hog. I’ll work on that. Must work harder!!!